


i found peace in your violence

by orphan_account



Series: Adventures in Parenting: Tony Stark [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Dead Aunt May, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, One-Shot, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Protective Tony Stark, Self Harm, Suicidal Peter, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-01 18:10:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15148904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It was official. Every last person who ever cared was gone.But Tony's there. Tony will always be there. And Tony cares.





	i found peace in your violence

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a heavy story. If suicide or mentions of suicide doesn't sit well with you, this story isn't for you.
> 
> Warnings: Underage drinking, talk about suicide, suicide attempt, self harm

Blood is a strange color.

Peter used to think of it as red, but blood is more complicated than that. Blood is... dark. Coppery. In a way, it is red, Peter thinks, but a complex red. So dark it's almost black, sometimes brown when it dries. 

Scratch that. Not only is blood a strange color, it's a strange substance. 

It's slippery. Warm. 

Peter sits in the warm, slippery, complex red blood next to his aunt, whose eyes are open but lifeless. Aunt May, whose skin is waxy, pale.

Bloodless.

Peter's sitting in her blood, the coppery liquid seeping into his jeans. Yet he can't find the energy to move. He just sits in his last family member's blood, arms wrapped around his knees. He grimaces when the bullet wound in his side jars, but he can't bring himself to uncurl his body. Besides, why shouldn't he be in pain? His aunt died because of him. He deserves to be in pain. He deserves to be the one dead, not May, but...

[ _There's a gun. There's a gun, theresaguntheresaguntheresagun]_

The universe doesn't give a damn about what Peter Parker wants, needs, or deserves.

[ _"May!"]_  

In the distance, he hears the wail of sirens and then the rushed, heavy footsteps.

[ _No, no, no. Nononononononononono]_

His head feels like it's underwater. He hears things, but everything is jumbled. Blurry. Fuzzy. 

[ _"Take me! Take me instead! She doesn't deserve to die!]_

Somewhere, he feels a hand on his arm, gently lifting him up and into an ambulance, but yet... he doesn't feel anything.

[ _"Don't worry, little one. You'll be joining her soon."]_

"He's going into shock!"

[ _Bang_ ]

"Get me an oxygen mask, now!"

[ _Thud_ ]

"Shit! We're losing him!"

[ _Peter falls, his own blood seeping through his thin shirt_ ]

Peter's eyes slip shut, and a tear escapes his eye, trailing down his cheek.

[ _May. My fault. Myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault_ ]

 

**

 

To his surprise, he wakes up again. 

_Unlike May. She's never going to wake up again._

He isn't sure if that's what he wants.

_Stupid Peter._

He blinks slowly, turning his head to look at his surroundings. Everything was white. Clean.

_Her blood is on your hands, Parker._

Peter's hand drifts to his side and finds that he's no longer bleeding. They got the bullet out of him, they stitched him up, they let him breathe again.

_She should be the one breathing. Not you._

Peter sits up abruptly, throwing the hospital sheet off him.

_Why didn't you save her?_

He jumps out of the bed, wincing when it jarred the bullet wound, but Peter doesn't pull away from the pain. He embraces it, uses it as power to keep him moving.

_You're fucking Spiderman! You could have saved her, why didn't you save her?_

Peter runs out of his room, ignoring the yells of doctors behind him. Luckily, he was on the first floor and he flew out the doors quickly. The doctors follow after him, but can't find him.

_Your fault, Parker._

Peter climbs down the wall he was hiding on, and slips into the dark ally, climbing up another building until he reaches his destination.

His apartment.

He climbs through his window, grateful that he kept it unlocked. He crawls up the ceiling and then drops to the floor, the feeling so familiar.

_But now May's dead. Because of you, Spiderman._

He walks out into the kitchen and rummages through the cupboards until he finds what he's looking for.

_That's right, Parker. Drink all your problems away. Fucking coward._

Peter growls angrily but chugs down the drink, not caring about how it burned his throat.

_May's dead._

Peter takes another sip.

_It's your fault._

Bottoms up.

_Why didn't you save her?_

The bubbles sting his throat, but at this point, he's too far to care.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Peter grabs another drink, thankful that May had an abundant supply.

_You could have saved her! You're fucking Spiderman!_

_It should be you. You selfish, selfish brat._

_You killed May!_

The bottle is empty.

_You didn't save her! You stood there and watched as she died!_

_Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

Peter yells angrily and slams the bottle down, watching it shatter.

After a moment of breathing heavily, he goes and grabs another bottle and works his way onto drowning his feelings away.

 

**

 

 _Boss, Peter Parker is currently very heavily intoxicated and has a treated bullet wound,_ FRIDAY announces.

"What the fuck?" 

_Peter Parker is currently heavily in-,_

"No, I heard you, FRI. But why the fuck is he...," but Tony trails off and then narrows his eyes. "Did you say that he has a bullet wound?"

_It has been treated, Boss._

"And why the fuck is he intoxicated and why on holy fucking earth was he shot?"

But Tony's own question was answered when the TV blared out, "A woman identified as May Parker has been fatally shot along with a child named Peter Parker. Peter is alive, and if any of our viewers at home have spotted him or know where he is-,"

Tony was already in his suit and flying to where Peter was. When he arrived he knocked, not expecting Peter to answer the door. To his surprise, the teenager opened the door. Tony took in the sight of Peter, practically drowning in his hospital gown, his hands covered in little scratches and blood.

Peter looked at Tony too, before turning around and turning in deeper into his home. He didn't close the door though, so Tony stepped in. 

"Peter-," he started softly but then stopped when he saw Peter drinking out of a bottle filled with an amber liquid. Tony ran over to where Peter was and snatched the bottle out of his hands. Peter let Tony take away the drink and slumped against a wall. 

"Peter, bud. You can't drink your problems away, trust me," Tony said softly, pulling Peter away from the wall and onto a chair. Peter didn't say anything, just slumped against his mentor and let his feet carry him to wherever Tony was taking him. Tony used his pointer to lift Peter's chin up, forcing the boy to look at him.

"Hey, kiddo. Want to tell me why there's so much glass on the floor?"

Peter stared at Tony for a moment, swaying before slurring, "S'mshed a few b'ttles."

"Yeah, I got that. But why?"

"The v'ces w'ldn't sh't the  _f'ck_ up."

"Pete?"

Peter blinked sluggishly before responding.

"Yeah?"

"How many bottles have you had bud?"

Peter counted on his fingers.

"I th'nk... 5? M'ybe more."

Tony inhaled sharply.

"Alright, kiddie. We're going on a trip." he picked up Peter, bride style, and carried him outside where he got back into his suit and flew to the compound.

 

**

 

"T'ny?"

Peter's voice was small and unsure. But what worried him the most was how sad it sounded, how deeply his voice radiated with it.

"Yeah, Pete?"

"She's g'ne."

 Tony didn't have to ask to know who.

"I know, bud. I'm sorry."

"How can she just be g'ne M'st'r St'rk?"

Tony exhaled and laid Peter gently onto the bed, threading his fingers into his hair.

"I'm sorry, Peter. But you need to sleep, okay? Sleep, and then we'll talk in the morning, kiddie. I promise," Tony said softly, gently caressing Peter's face. Peter leaned into the touch, then replied, "M'kay."

"Okay, kiddo. I'll be down the hall if you need me alright?"

Peter didn't want him to leave. But he already had caused enough problems so he just let out a small nod and closed his eyes.

Tony rubbed Peter's shoulder comfortingly before leaving, closing the door quietly. As soon as he was out of the room, he ran to his own and collapsed, breaths coming out shaky, chest heaving. 

How the fuck had he let this happen? Tony gripped the sides of his face, trying to release the tension building up on his chest.

_You're an engineer. A mechanic. You fix things. You can fix this._

Tony stood up and made his way to the lab, hoping he could find something to do until Peter woke up.

He didn't have to wait long.

 

**

 

Peter woke up with a gasp. 

His head felt like it was splitting in two and he fell backward onto the bed clutching the sides of his head.

What the hell had happened? And where the fuck was he?

Then it all came back to him.

_May. Maymaymaymaymaymaymaymay_

_My fault._

_Myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault_

Peter rushed into the connected bathroom, throwing up everything in his stomach. He slid down onto the floor, crying. His chest heaved and his breathing turned frantic.

_Why didn't I do something? Why the fuck didn't I do something?_

_Maymaymaymaymaymaymaymaymaymaymay_

_myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault_

Peter couldn't breathe, oh god he couldn't breathe.

But then...

he didn't deserve to breathe, did he? After all, he killed Aunt May. Just like he had killed his Uncle Ben. Peter dragged his fingernail down his wrist watching the droplets of blood pool there. For once he was glad for his enhanced strength. His fingernail cut into his flesh like butter, the blood pooling together before cascading down his wrist like a crimson waterfall. He studied it with interest before cutting into himself again. More blood gushed out and he was starting to get lightheaded. 

Just as his fingernail touched his other wrist, Tony burst in.

"Peter! Oh shit, Peter, what the fuck did you do?" Tony grabbed a towel from the towel rack and wrapped it tightly around Peter's wrist before scooping the barely conscious boy into his arms and rushing into the medical wing.

"N-no. T-t'ny," Peter slurred weakly. "Let me go home. I w'nna go home, I w'nna see May and Ben and my p'r'nts," he protested weakly, struggling in Tony's arms. 

Tony's heart clenched painfully and he felt his own tears escape his eyes.

"I'm sorry, buddy. I'm so, so sorry."

Peter thrashed weakly in Tony's arms once more before whispering, "Just let me go home. Please."

Tony burst into the MedBay and set Peter down gently onto a bed. Peter, all out of energy and slowly losing consciousness, didn't protest anymore. He was too tired. Tired of being a failure, tired of killing those he loved, tired of life. He just wanted it to stop. He felt the prick of a needle and saw that Tony was giving him a blood transfusion and an IV. When he was done, Tony was wrapping a bandage tightly over his bloody wrist. The last thing he saw before blacking out completely was Tony's worried eyes.

 

**

 

Peter woke up with Tony's fingers in his hair, the older man's other hand on Peter's chest. He blinked blearily before everything came crashing down.

"Pete? Can you open your eyes for me buddy?"

Peter felt his heart sink. It didn't work, he was still alive, he was still breathing.

He wasn't home. Peter let out a small sob, clenching his eyes shut tightly.

"Peter...," Tony's voice started, but then it faded away. He felt Tony remove his hands and Peter felt another wave of crushing sadness.

_And now you're leaving me too._

But Tony didn't leave. He crawled into the small bed with Peter and wrapped his arms around the crying child tightly.

Peter let out a body racking sob before turning his face into Tony's chest, letting his mentor comfort him.

"I got you, Peter. You're mine now, okay? And I'm never gonna leave you," Tony promised.

Peter knew that a part of him died with May, broke with the glass that he shattered back at their apartment. But Tony was there for him, and he would piece Peter back together.

It would take a while.

But it was a start.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to my very good friend who is going through some shit right now.  
> vent in the comments if you guys want. i'll be responding. i love every one of you guys who read this. thank you all.


End file.
